Grasp

The more choices you think you have, the more confused you become. It’s as if the world is your oyster. And in a way it is. The many choices we have in life means that even if you miss out on something, something else is going to come along. However, instead of overthinking and over analyzing what about grasping what you want with all your might? I was thinking about opportunities given, opportunities taken and opportunities lost. The things you end up regretting in life are opportunities lost. The what-ifs, the unknown. There are many things we can be unsure of. And that’s when we end up not grasping opportunities. But there are also those lost opportunities when you know you really want something but fear holds you back. Sometimes I wonder when and how I got so scared. I guess being hurt, over and over, by the people closest to me. By trusting, by broken promises. And it’s so strange and perplexing to me that even with that I feel hopeful. I trust in the good. I believe that good things happen. I believe I can be happy. Right now I struggle with finding the balance between trust and faith in the unknown and fear. It takes a lot of courage, a lot. But I’m willing to grasp, to reach for things that I want because the worst thing to come from grasping is, rejection and momentary pain. What’s more painful is the lost opportunities because you didn’t try. So go…walk blindly into the unknown, go get, grasp, reach. Have faith that you’ll come out okay. You might end up having everything you ever wanted. 

The yearly visit.

Sitting in the hospital waiting room makes me somewhat sad. Every single time. That is the one constant of my yearly visits to the Neuroscience Clinic. It makes me sad to see young kids, the elderly and people in wheelchairs and I wonder if people look at me the same way.

I think that as much as I try not to be affected by the stigma of my condition, it still affects me to a certain extent. I guess it’s only human to care about what others think of you and as much as I’ve learned to accept my condition, not everyone else has. I still dislike the stigma attached to the condition. I dislike the misconceptions. I dislike ignorance. 

At the end of the day you’re only affected as much as you let things affect you. And I remind myself over and over that I accept myself fully. For everything that I am. 

You.

My name is Mayuko. I have epilepsy and I am more than my condition. And that condition does not make me who I am. Once upon a time I was embarrassed to tell people about this because I did not want to accept it myself. But I was also afraid of being judged. But as time passed, I’ve grown to accept and embrace my condition. I have epilepsy. I am still living. I am alive. I choose to live. I choose to laugh. I choose to love. I enjoy nights out with my girlfriends. I like wine. I love French fries. I love the physical practice of yoga. I love handstands. I love to sweat it out in a 90 minute Bikram Yoga class. 

Instead of fearing, I choose to accept, I choose to live. Accept the things you cannot change and fully accept those things with open arms. Living in fear limits you and all the potential you have within you. Fearing takes away today’s peace. You are more than your condition, you are more than your job, you are more than your title. You have everything you need and more within you. 

Chance

So lately, I’ve been thinking about taking chances. Everything we do in life is about taking chances. Taking leaps into the unknown. Doing things without knowing what the outcome is, but just doing. We go through almost everyday like that- waking up in the morning and even though things sometimes feel ‘planned’, the unexpected still happens. So everyday is a new kind of adventure, whether we would like to think of it that way or not. Great things can happen when you take chances or, things can become a disaster. We take chances because of that hope that something really great can happen, and great experiences always outweigh the bad. Because good experiences are just worth taking chances for. If it doesn’t work out, it’s never going to be the end of the world, because, everything continues. The world doesn’t stop when shit happens, it continues, which means you have to move on. You have the choice to be stuck or get unstuck. The thing is, we never really know what’s going to happen and we can’t control everything that goes on in our lives. So…I say, change what you can change and accept what you can’t. Then move forward because, life is too short to stay stuck. Who knows, the next great experience is just around the corner.

The journey

I was looking back at my personal yoga journey and I was thinking it’s been quite the journey (so far). It’s had its insanely great moments- moments that I felt I could do anything, I had no fear, was free of any injuries. I wanted to learn it all. Teacher training after teacher training, workshops after workshops. Then there were those moments that I felt I will never recover from injuries, that some teachers let me down, that I could never ever teach and that well, that I just suck. Then I realize the practice is a journey, just like life. It’s never going to be one straight road with no bumps whatsoever. There’s always going to be something in the way and it’s up to you to either give up, do something else or persevere. I’m lucky I’ve never given up with my practice, something always roped me back in. And because it’s been a whole seven years of practice, it feels like those so-called ‘bad’ moments I went through seems like a small fraction of my yoga practice and believe me I’ve had so many injuries and so many falls! And you know what, I came out of such incidents stronger and more appreciative of my practice. If my journey was a straight road, that asanas came easy to me and I had no injuries and I had a perfect yoga body (a ‘normal’ spine, ‘normal’ legs and longer limbs, haha) I would not have appreciated the practice and I may have gotten bored with my practice. Instead I was given an imperfect body. I am hyper lordotic, I have scoliosis, bow legs, uneven hips, hyperextension on the elbows and knees…the list goes on. And that is what I work with during my practice and something I’ve learned to embrace during my practice. And I think that is what keeps me hooked on the practice. The journey and the fact that everyday and every practice is different. The longer I practice, the more I know myself a little bit better. I’m a little bit more aware and much more accepting of my circumstances good or bad. So even if some of my ‘down’ moments were with teachers that I myself put on a pedestal, it made me more understanding, accepting, forgiving, even though I was so jaded at the time. At the end of the day, like I’ve written many times before, when shit happens to you, you have to take some responsibility for it. I think all of the downs of my practice make me the practitioner I am today. So at the end of the day, there are no downs, just lessons to be learned.

I think yoga practice is like having a relationship with someone. It’s never going to be easy, but if you work hard enough, and have enough determination, you can make it work. And when you do, you’ll see the light, and why you fell in love with it in the first place. So yoga, thank you for being there…seven years and counting. 🙂

It’s not that hard

Life is as complicated as you make it. I said this to somebody the other day. A lot of times life is not that complicated but we overthink and overanalyze things until it gets to a point that everything seems more…messy. And it really isn’t. If you don’t like something about your life, change it. After all we have to feel somewhat responsible for whatever happens to us. Yes, emotions get in the way, and we may feel lost from time to time but we need to take the time to really think and identify what we want out of our lives. At the end of the day, it’s your life and you need to make it the best life ever. Otherwise you’ll end up dwelling in anger, sadness, regrets. I feel life is too short to spend in negativity. It’s such a waste of energy. I said this a million times before, but you can’t change how others treat you but you can choose how to react to those situations. Life can be wonderful, if you choose to make it great.

And to you, I hope one day you get your life sorted. Treat other people the way you want to be treated because one day someone might do the same to you and it might sting.

Just a few thoughts

Lately a few things have been running through my head. And because I’ve not written in what seems forever, I’ll write it down in my blog.

One is that I realize that even though it is so simple, life is too short to spend unhappy and that we are deserving of happiness. A lot of us waste so much time being unhappy, being angry, being ungrateful, or even dwelling on things that don’t even matter. I say, that’s all wasted energy. I think that things are not that complicated. It’s up to you, to stop wasting your energy on things that don’t matter. Stop complaining about life because it’s up to you to do something about it if you want to be happy. Happiness happens by choice. You don’t need anyone’s affirmation. If you do, you’re not so sure of anything yourself. You don’t value yourself. If you find yourself stuck or glued to a certain situation, it’s up to you to stay stuck or get yourself up and leave. Ask yourself, if it’s worth the time.

Two, there’s always something better out there. If you don’t know what you’re missing, there’s nothing to miss. But does that mean ignorance? Or does that just make us content? Should we explore our full potentiality and explore all there is to explore so that we live a life without regrets? On one hand it’s really easy to just be stuck in your little bubble, and be content with that because you don’t know any better, then there’s the other hand that wants to explore everything out there. But does that make us greedy? Because I noticed the thing with us human beings, is the more you see, the more you know, the more you want. The cycle doesn’t stop. Maybe the key is balance and figuring out what is really important to you. Because I reckon constantly wanting something can get pretty tiring. Do things that make you happy. Don’t do things for other people, because it’ll never work out. Don’t do things for material purposes because we’ll keep wanting more. Do it for yourself. Do what you love.

Three, the reasons for not doing something is either you don’t really want to do it, or you’re not sure, thus you’ll always have a reason for not doing it. Two is simply fear. Fear is a big one because we’re diving into the unknown. I think that’s the reason for my procrastination all these years. Unless I have no choice, I end up doing what’s in my comfort zone, because that’s where I know I’ll be safe. But the happiest moments in my life, thus far is when I stepped out into the unknown. So if it’s uncertainty, don’t do it, if it’s fear, do it!

I wrote this 1 week ago.

The truth will set you free. I saw that written on someone’s Facebook status earlier and it was something that really resonated with how I felt today. Most times we’re scared of knowing the truth because we don’t know if we can handle the truth. Because sometimes the truth is hard to swallow. There are times I end up not knowing the answers because I never asked. I never said anything, I kept my mouth shut. And I was in the dark, frozen and unable to move forward because I didn’t want to know the truth or I refused to accept the reality. I was scared of the answers, what if I couldn’t handle the truth? I realized that this is a form of delay tactic or denial. Delaying the inevitable and denial that maybe things are not as bad as they seem. It almost feels like a form of procrastination. Putting off finding out the truth in hopes that things fix on it’s own. Today, I found the answer to something I’ve been pondering on for months, and you know what? I feel free. Even if the answer can hurt. Because now I can move forward. No more what-ifs, no more wondering.

Moving forward…

Something emotionally traumatic happened to me last Saturday. On that day, I felt like I wanted to curl up in a corner and die (okay, I’m being a teensy bit dramatic here). That thing that happened to me was something I never thought would happen to me at this age. I thought that I would be wiser after all these years. The incident that happen involved another person and normally, I would blame the other person. It seemed easier to not blame myself and just blame someone else. Because it’s hard to say what happened happened because of you. Because no one likes to think they can be that stupid. But I can be…I was. And once I took responsibility of that incident last Saturday, I felt much better the next day. Because you have no one else to forgive but yourself. Yes, some people can treat you badly, but ultimately it’s your decision to want to keep these people in your life or not. Everything happens by choice. And if you don’t want to put yourself through unpleasant situations, you have that choice not to let it happen to you again. I realized that acceptance and taking responsibility is the key to move forward.

After the dry spell

So it’s been forever since I last wrote a blog entry. And I finally had some time and some inspiration on what to write about. Recently I have fallen in love with the practice of Bikram Yoga- a practice of yoga I used to loathe. I remember not liking the practice because I remember my first experience was marred by a teacher who picked on another Yoga teacher who was attending the class. That teacher did not teach Bikram, but Hatha Yoga. Throughout the class the teacher kept screaming through her mic saying ‘YOU! The yoga teacher, you’re not pushing yourself hard enough, you’re not doing this and you’re not doing that’. I just felt it was a bit disrespectful. Needless to say that really put me off the practice and I never returned. It didn’t help that the man himself,Bikram Choudhury is always surrounded by controversy. Anyway I recently began practicing Bikram Yoga more to familiarize myself with teaching the sequence in my classes. That’s when I started to fall more in love with it. My beginner mind before was unable to look past that particular teacher’s behavior in my first Bikram class and the bad press surrounding the practice that I didn’t realize it is a beneficial practice, especially for spinal flexibility and leg strengthening. I was just thinking that, anything and everything is and can be wonderful if you allow yourself to look past the own stubbornness in your mind. Only when you allow yourself to be flexible enough to see, can you see the beauty in almost anything. Most of us stay stuck in our stubborn mindsets, never allowing ourselves to sway from our beliefs and thus miss out on so much in our lives. How many times have we procrastinated on an experience and then thought afterwards, ‘that wasn’t so bad after all?’. I say…be open-minded. The world is filled with so many choices, so many experiences. Try to see past your own judgements and just do it. Whatever the thing may be.