It’s funny how things don’t pan out the way you wish they did. You plead and you say words that have no meaning because you know they don’t matter anymore, but you do it anyway because you know it’s going to be the last time you hear from them. But in the end, you can’t change someone, you can’t change their mind and you can’t make them feel what you want them to.
To you, know that I loved. You will believe what you want to and I can’t change your mind. I’m sorry I wasn’t perfect. It’s unfortunate that this love has gone to waste.
The more choices you think you have, the more confused you become. It’s as if the world is your oyster. And in a way it is. The many choices we have in life means that even if you miss out on something, something else is going to come along. However, instead of overthinking and over analyzing what about grasping what you want with all your might? I was thinking about opportunities given, opportunities taken and opportunities lost. The things you end up regretting in life are opportunities lost. The what-ifs, the unknown. There are many things we can be unsure of. And that’s when we end up not grasping opportunities. But there are also those lost opportunities when you know you really want something but fear holds you back. Sometimes I wonder when and how I got so scared. I guess being hurt, over and over, by the people closest to me. By trusting, by broken promises. And it’s so strange and perplexing to me that even with that I feel hopeful. I trust in the good. I believe that good things happen. I believe I can be happy. Right now I struggle with finding the balance between trust and faith in the unknown and fear. It takes a lot of courage, a lot. But I’m willing to grasp, to reach for things that I want because the worst thing to come from grasping is, rejection and momentary pain. What’s more painful is the lost opportunities because you didn’t try. So go…walk blindly into the unknown, go get, grasp, reach. Have faith that you’ll come out okay. You might end up having everything you ever wanted.
Sitting in the hospital waiting room makes me somewhat sad. Every single time. That is the one constant of my yearly visits to the Neuroscience Clinic. It makes me sad to see young kids, the elderly and people in wheelchairs and I wonder if people look at me the same way.
I think that as much as I try not to be affected by the stigma of my condition, it still affects me to a certain extent. I guess it’s only human to care about what others think of you and as much as I’ve learned to accept my condition, not everyone else has. I still dislike the stigma attached to the condition. I dislike the misconceptions. I dislike ignorance.
At the end of the day you’re only affected as much as you let things affect you. And I remind myself over and over that I accept myself fully. For everything that I am.
My name is Mayuko. I have epilepsy and I am more than my condition. And that condition does not make me who I am. Once upon a time I was embarrassed to tell people about this because I did not want to accept it myself. But I was also afraid of being judged. But as time passed, I’ve grown to accept and embrace my condition. I have epilepsy. I am still living. I am alive. I choose to live. I choose to laugh. I choose to love. I enjoy nights out with my girlfriends. I like wine. I love French fries. I love the physical practice of yoga. I love handstands. I love to sweat it out in a 90 minute Bikram Yoga class.
Instead of fearing, I choose to accept, I choose to live. Accept the things you cannot change and fully accept those things with open arms. Living in fear limits you and all the potential you have within you. Fearing takes away today’s peace. You are more than your condition, you are more than your job, you are more than your title. You have everything you need and more within you.
So lately, I’ve been thinking about taking chances. Everything we do in life is about taking chances. Taking leaps into the unknown. Doing things without knowing what the outcome is, but just doing. We go through almost everyday like that- waking up in the morning and even though things sometimes feel ‘planned’, the unexpected still happens. So everyday is a new kind of adventure, whether we would like to think of it that way or not. Great things can happen when you take chances or, things can become a disaster. We take chances because of that hope that something really great can happen, and great experiences always outweigh the bad. Because good experiences are just worth taking chances for. If it doesn’t work out, it’s never going to be the end of the world, because, everything continues. The world doesn’t stop when shit happens, it continues, which means you have to move on. You have the choice to be stuck or get unstuck. The thing is, we never really know what’s going to happen and we can’t control everything that goes on in our lives. So…I say, change what you can change and accept what you can’t. Then move forward because, life is too short to stay stuck. Who knows, the next great experience is just around the corner.
I was looking back at my personal yoga journey and I was thinking it’s been quite the journey (so far). It’s had its insanely great moments- moments that I felt I could do anything, I had no fear, was free of any injuries. I wanted to learn it all. Teacher training after teacher training, workshops after workshops. Then there were those moments that I felt I will never recover from injuries, that some teachers let me down, that I could never ever teach and that well, that I just suck. Then I realize the practice is a journey, just like life. It’s never going to be one straight road with no bumps whatsoever. There’s always going to be something in the way and it’s up to you to either give up, do something else or persevere. I’m lucky I’ve never given up with my practice, something always roped me back in. And because it’s been a whole seven years of practice, it feels like those so-called ‘bad’ moments I went through seems like a small fraction of my yoga practice and believe me I’ve had so many injuries and so many falls! And you know what, I came out of such incidents stronger and more appreciative of my practice. If my journey was a straight road, that asanas came easy to me and I had no injuries and I had a perfect yoga body (a ‘normal’ spine, ‘normal’ legs and longer limbs, haha) I would not have appreciated the practice and I may have gotten bored with my practice. Instead I was given an imperfect body. I am hyper lordotic, I have scoliosis, bow legs, uneven hips, hyperextension on the elbows and knees…the list goes on. And that is what I work with during my practice and something I’ve learned to embrace during my practice. And I think that is what keeps me hooked on the practice. The journey and the fact that everyday and every practice is different. The longer I practice, the more I know myself a little bit better. I’m a little bit more aware and much more accepting of my circumstances good or bad. So even if some of my ‘down’ moments were with teachers that I myself put on a pedestal, it made me more understanding, accepting, forgiving, even though I was so jaded at the time. At the end of the day, like I’ve written many times before, when shit happens to you, you have to take some responsibility for it. I think all of the downs of my practice make me the practitioner I am today. So at the end of the day, there are no downs, just lessons to be learned.
I think yoga practice is like having a relationship with someone. It’s never going to be easy, but if you work hard enough, and have enough determination, you can make it work. And when you do, you’ll see the light, and why you fell in love with it in the first place. So yoga, thank you for being there…seven years and counting. 🙂
Life is as complicated as you make it. I said this to somebody the other day. A lot of times life is not that complicated but we overthink and overanalyze things until it gets to a point that everything seems more…messy. And it really isn’t. If you don’t like something about your life, change it. After all we have to feel somewhat responsible for whatever happens to us. Yes, emotions get in the way, and we may feel lost from time to time but we need to take the time to really think and identify what we want out of our lives. At the end of the day, it’s your life and you need to make it the best life ever. Otherwise you’ll end up dwelling in anger, sadness, regrets. I feel life is too short to spend in negativity. It’s such a waste of energy. I said this a million times before, but you can’t change how others treat you but you can choose how to react to those situations. Life can be wonderful, if you choose to make it great.
And to you, I hope one day you get your life sorted. Treat other people the way you want to be treated because one day someone might do the same to you and it might sting.